Composable Thumbs

I have a dog.

She looks like this:

She’s a small dog which means she’s also the kind of dog that barks at unexpected noises and people…such as when the mailman comes or when people stop and talk to her on the street.

This morning I was drinking my coffee, doing my morning internet surfing, and listening to Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens and Fran Walsh on the Two Towers commentary track…you know…Thursday.

Then I heard a strange “thud” as if someone had just thrown a newspaper against the front door. The dog immediately had a fit of barking to which I responded with a polite “shutthehellup!” and went on with my business since we do not have any newspaper subscriptions and when the random free Examiner shows up it’s always on the driveway as only a master paperboy could deliver a paper all the way to our front door.

And so my morning continued with no more thought of it.

Then I took the dog out for a walk only about an hour ago. It was an uneventful walk but a funeral procession did slowly pass by as we walked up the great hill that most of Millbrae residents live upon.

When we got back I noticed a strange leaf on our porch which gave me pause. I halted the dog on the leash and moved forward slowly.

It was…

You guessed it.

A dead bird.

It looked like this:

 

After coraling the dog inside (who did not notice the bird at all because, as I have always suspected, she has a fake plastic nose), I immediately scooped it up with a trowel and sealed it within two plastic bags and tossed it into the garbage. Aside from the nasty morbid sense of death outside of my house, I didn’t want the local raccoons, possums, and cats to think this was an excellent place to find free food.

Then I began to think back to this morning and remembered that I did hear something hit the house.

Sure enough I looked up to see evidence right on the front window:

We have a large map of Middle-Earth on the wall facing the window so perhaps the bird was trying to go to Mordor…though it did not know the way.

It was only 16 months ago that I purchased my first car.  Before that I had never owned a car.  In fact, I didn't even have a driver's license up until 5 years ago.  And yet last month I found myself involved in the painful task of having to sell my first car through craigslist.

Now, to be sure, I've certainly used craigslist before and have made a few purchases/sells through the service in my lifetime but nothing like a car.

My car, a 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, had begun to have serious engine problems and it was determined that, save for replacing the engine, it would be a good idea to simply sell the car.

So I posted an ad and received a flood of e-mails in response.  Most of them had to do with purchasing the car.  Most did not.  I was asking $2300 and made it clear in my post that the car would likely need the engine replaced if you wanted it to run.

In this image the body of the e-mail had no text at all.  Apparently everything I needed to know was in the subject...

...including terrible grammar and spelling.

Unfortunately this would not be the last time I would have to read an e-mail from the illiterate.

One interested buyer actually contacted me three times but always with the same message:

Now call me skeptical but why would a person offer me $3,000 without ever seeing the car.  I agree that perhaps he feels the car is worth more but nobody willingly hands out extra money.  Had he offered me my asking price I might have been more inclined to respond.

As a rule, I decided I would not respond to anyone who couldn't even form a complete sentence.  It wasn't a matter of being snobby.  Just a matter of filtering out was is/was likely a scam or some terrible phishing practice to acquire my e-mail/telephone number.  Which meant I couldn't respond to this:

which also confused me because I was seeing one name associated with the e-mail and then another name in the e-mail.  And again, he was offering $500 more.  "ill" not be responding to this e-mail thx.

I also received this:

which was missing a crucial NOUN although I think I know what it was.

And this:

Of course, not every e-mail was as unintelligible.

One was so eloquent and moving that I got a screencap of it.  Have a look:

I'm really glad that this person reminded me that Jesus will come back for me.  That was comforting.  If only he would come back for my Jeep I'd have one less problem in my life.  Seriously though what is the point of this e-mail?  Doesn't this count as "contacting" seller for other reasons?

On the opposite side of the coin I received this e-mail that...if I read correctly, was meant to be interpreted as an insult:

Yes, you certainly told me.  Boy is my face blue, stranger from craigslist.

Now, i have a lot of free time but trolling craigslist ads to send poorly written and vague insults?  That takes commitment.

And what would a craigslist response be without a little sex:

Notice that the associated name is "Sexy Girl" and her e-mail address includes "69."  So either this "girl" is 52 years old OR she likes 69 so much that she puts it in her e-mail address.  Or IT'S A TRAP!

At least she composed a very long run-on sentence.

Those are the best of them.  I ended up shopping the car to about 4 different guys and only two actually made offers that weren't completely insulting.

I ended up selling it to some kid from Sacramento who has a shop.  He drove down with his dad and two other guys and they hauled it away on a trailer hitch.  I didn't get $2,300 but I got enough to justify the 16 months I got to drive it around and look cool.

Hopefully I will never have to sell a car through craigslist again.

Both Charlie Chan and Mr. Moto were Fox properties and yet Mr. Moto produced far less films than Charlie Chan. Of course, chronologically, Mr. Moto was created because Chan’s creator Earl Derr Biggers died. So Mr. Moto films were not made until 1937…well after the height of Warner Oland’s Chan run and in a strange series of events, created this bastard child of a film.

But let’s start with the film. Mr. Moto’s Gamble is the third Moto film and puts Mr. Moto as a sort of police detective instructor who attends a big boxing match only to witness a murder as one of the boxers falls dead during the match. The case is on as Moto sets out to prove it was murder before the next big match. Was it the opposing boxer? The manager? The trainer? The Bookie? Luckily Moto has help from a few friends including Lee Chan, Charlie Chan’s son, in the only cross-over between the two characters. This film already felt strange before I knew it’s backstory. Moto is now a teacher, leading a class of amateur detectives (and it is not clear whether they are simply in police academy, already officers, or just amateur PIs), he is slow in his investigation and the film takes place over what has to be at least 2-3 months. Also Lee Chan and another classmate are given a drawn out storyline that really goes nowhere and only serves to prolong the 70-minute film. Luckily, Moto uses all his brains to solve the mystery and bring the guilty to justice.

But let’s analyze the backstory. As I mentioned, Chan and Moto were both Fox properties at the time with Moto as the newer version of Chan. Moto was very sly and cunning. Moto got into fights and chases. Moto was “Moto-vated” (HA HA HA!) as a private investigator to preserve Asian cultural artifacts by taking on cases of smuggling. In many ways, as strange as the character was, he was more developed than even Chan, who had over a dozen films to become human but remained a cold, emotionless Chinaman.

The original script was Charlie Chan at the Ringside and had Charlie Chan investigating a murder during a boxing match. Yet Warner Oland was contending with personal demons. He was in the middle of a divorce and was drinking a lot. It’s not clear which came first. So on the first day of production Warner Oland doesn’t even show up. On the second day he claims that the studio is a health hazard and refuses to return to work. The studio and SAG going into negotiations while production is halted. In a fairly absurd trick, the studio actually paints over the Studio 6 signage to read, “Studio 7” in a hoax to make Warner believe they had moved production to another studio. And he believed it. He returned and had no idea that he was in fact still in the same studio. But production halted the next day when Warner cited health reasons again and decided to take an impromptu holiday. Fox and SAG resumed negotiations and somehow ended up signing Warner onto an extended contract for three more pictures BUT at the same time Fox had decided to resume production with Moto as the lead. Warner eventually made his way to his homeland Sweden and lived there for several months before contracting bronchial pneumonia and dying in August of 1938, 8 months after the first day of production and 4 months after his divorce from his wife. As production of what was now “Mr Moto’s Gamble” began script revisions were obviously needed. Primarily, the name Charlie Chan was replaced with Mr. Moto and the opening scene was created to account for Moto’s presence in the film as well as Lee Chan’s. Other than that the plot remained as did most of Chan’s dialogue…which accounts for why the film felt so strange for a Moto film. Not only is Moto slow and methodical but uses Chan’s made-up Chinese phrases several times during the film. Something that he nary used in his previous accounts. Moto still proves to be more human and compassionate than Chan but still relegates his assistants to menial tasks if not worse.

All in all, the film felt very weak for a Moto film. The boxing coverage was well executed but Moto was too much Chan.

Charlie Chan’s global trek continues with Charlie Chan in Paris. As soon as he lands the case is on as Charlie is in the midst of investigating a forged bond scheme. He’s even got an undercover agent already in Paris but as soon as he hops into a cab a note gets thrown into the vehicle via a stone. Chan will eventually discover a careful method of deceit and hidden identity at the heart of this case. Luckily he is accompanied by his #1 son, Lee Chan. Lee Chan is played by Asian actor Keye Luke. Though the character lacks the father’s slow and broken English and instead speaks like any young American during the time period. Lots of “Gee, pop” and “Boy, that sounds swell,” often makes me think I’m watching old episodes of Dennis the Menace. Charlie again shows a distinct distance in relationship with his son. He is referred to as #1 son in a strange translation of Chinese custom to refer to their children with regard to their age. I’m not sure if this is meant to be funny or just another of Chan’s mis-translated habits. That we never meet or see any of his other children but know that he has nearly ten children doesn’t really help. Lee Chan does prove to be useful in tracking suspects but is really given very little to do in this first film. Again, aside from calling him his son and CONSTANTLY conferring lessons to him, he is just as distant and direct to his son as he is with the teller at the bank or his local police chief friend. Another fairly strange observation I made is that this is the first Chan film to be set in a non-English speaking country and yet not a single character speaks French. In fact, only one character even has a French accent but there is NO French in this film about bankers and forged bonds. Not only that, but there is really no emphasis or reason for the story to be set in Paris. We never see any French locales (because this was all shot on the Fox lot anyway) or any reference to anything Parisian. So the audience is supposed to just magically believe they are somewhere foreign/exotic/romantic without ever actually seeing anything with those qualities attempted to be represented on screen. Yet it’s clear that at this point there was a clear idea for Chan to be constantly traveling to world cities and staking his claim as the world’s best (Chinese) detective. I believe it is at this point that the Chan series was successful enough to warrant not only a multi-picture contract, but a fairly speedy production process that had them churning out 3-4 films a year. This was 1935 and this would (unfortunately for some and fortunately for others) only last until 1937. In that time period Warner Oland would appear in 9 more Chan films before calling it quits.

RACE: Charlie Chan in London: An Analysis

The third Charlie Chan film that is still in existence is Charlie Chan in London and begins the title trend of Charlie Chan simply being somewhere. It actually proves to be effective and after watching three of these in a row it was apparent that the studio tried to maintain a specific timeline/physical presence for Charlie Chan. For example, in the next film, Charlie Chan in Paris, characters reference his recent case in London. It’s a continuity that I did not expect to find in a series with such a rushed production schedule. Charlie Chan in London has the detective taking on a dire case as a man on death row’s sister pleads for Charlie Chan to investigate the initial crime/murder to help exonerate her brother before he is put to death. Knowing full well how these films go I was disappointed to see that the brother’s character had nary a shadow of suspicion cast on him as even an accomplice. Instead we get an intricate but imperfect crime executed by one of the suspects and the brother as a simple pawn in the grand scheme. Charlie Chan finds himself at a wealthy country home where the owner keeps a respected stable of horses. As usual, most of the characters are suspects and Charlie Chan tries their patience with his deliberate and slow speaking and made-up Chinese phrases. Interestingly, Charlie Chan’s patience creates two corpses during his investigation as he fails to act on his own hunches. Remember, Charlie Chan is not a man of action and relies on only facts. That the people around him chastise him for not acting sooner actually does create an air of emotions not usually found in the earlier films. It also shows that no matter if the party is guilty or not, Charlie Chan’s presence is not always welcome. Of course, solving the case proves to win the favor of both the brother and sister and Charlie can now continue his apparent journey. I am disappointed that Chan’s cases tend to come from the elite strata of society. He’s helping movie stars or wealthy socialites or businessmen. He isn’t helping normal people, poor people, children, or even specific cultures. In fact, his character is so lacking in warmth and humanity that I wonder how anyone tolerates him at all. I found Chan to be really frustrating in this film.

Looking Forward to the Films of 2012

It’s another long list of films.

To celebrate the New Year here’s a list of films that are going to make 2012 great. Unfortunately there is still a larger number of crap films that will bring 2012 to its knees…such as Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D, GI Joe 2, another Twilight movie, and Scary Movie 5. And in lieu of another Saw film we get Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D…but here’s the antidote:

In chronological order:

Haywire (dir. Steven Soderbergh) Jan 20

Haywire is Soderbergh’s double-crossed spy film. Think of it as The Bourne Supremacy with a kick-ass female in the lead. Now remember that that female lead is Gina Carano, the #3 ranked female MMA fighter in the world and most famously known to America as “Crush” from the 2008 American Gladiators reboot. The trailers so far are intriguing and I’m hoping that his second collaboration with Lem Dobbs (writer of The Limey) produces an equally satisfying mix of story and character.

(I want to see her punch all of these men)

The Grey (dir. Joe Carnahan) Jan 27

Carnahan is hit and miss so far…mostly miss. But if the trash-cine-clasts can carry “Chaos Reigns” as their battle cry, then why can’t the masses enjoy seeing Qui-Gon-Aslan-Zeus fight a pack of wolves? Liam Neeson leads a group of plane crash survivors in the arctic through several hellish days as they battle not only the elements and each other, but a pack of wolves. Liam Neeson can now add “wolf puncher” to his CV.

(Release the inner-Kraken!)

Footnote (dir. Joseph Cedar) Mar 9

I didn’t know about Footnote until a few days ago. It’s an exciting small foreign film about two professors who are also father and son. The son’s success and accolades have surpassed the father’s and now the two are up for a prestigious award. Only the award committee accidentally calls and congratulates the father. Now the son must figure out whether to let the charade continue or break his father’s heart. The intrigue of a father-son competition movie that isn’t about sports but scholarly pursuits excites me. That and the film looks like a ripe blend of family drama and catharsis. See it with a Jewish friend and don’t look like a complete putz.

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/sony/footnote/

Casa de mi Padre (dir. Matt Piedmont) Mar 16

It’s been a while since Will Ferrell has starred in a really good comedy movie. After a strange series of legal events Mr. Mark Twain Award found himself legally obligated to star in this Spanish language novella comedy as the son of a rancher who must fight for the love of his brother’s fiancée and his father’s land against the head of a drug cartel. The film looks as silly as it sounds but in this age of a market over-saturated with vampires and werewolves and mediocre comedians starring in $100 million movies, Will Ferrell is as welcome as a fifth of Scotch on a cold Winter night.  Gael Garcia Bernal also stars.

Trailer: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=85228

(You know I don't speak Spanish)

The Raid (dir. Gareth Evans) Mar 23

The Raid is set in a Jakarta slum that has long housed many illegal doings. An elite taskforce is set to infiltrate the building. Think of it as a flip of Assault on Precinct 13. The trailer reveals the movie to be a pulse-pounding action film starring Iko Uwais that features martial arts action comparable to Ong Bak or Chocolate. This is Iko Uwais’ 2^nd of three films that Gareth Evans has cast him in.

Trailer: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=81934

Lock-Out (dir. James Mather) Apr 20

This film is also known as MS One: Maximum Security. I prefer Lock-Out but whichever I prefer doesn’t matter as this film looks something like Escape from New York IN SPACE. Produced by Luc Besson and starring Guy Pearce we get a very charming and harsh lead character who was (of course) wrongly convicted of a crime and is now asked to help rescue the president’s daughter from a maximum security prison IN SPACE that has been overtaken by the inmates. The trailer shows a level of stylish cool hidden in this infiltration movie IN SPACE. Guy Pearce seems to be channeling his Tyler Durden.

Trailer: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/52275

Prometheus (dir. Ridley Scott) Jun 8

I’m not surprised that people will be confused by this film. After all, it isn’t called “Alien Zero” or “Alien 5: Rise of the Space Jockey.” It’s called “Prometheus” and very appropriately references the stealer of fire for very good reason. As an audience not only do we get an intriguing sci-fi premise that charts man’s initial discoveries of alien life but we get Ridley Scott returning to the genre and universe that made him legend. We also get the origins of the Space Jockey and a more complete picture of where the Xenomorphs came from though Scott has confirmed that there are no Xenomorphs in the film. While I have little doubt that the film will be much better than most films from this year I do have some reservations. After all, the last time a filmmaker of that generation revisited their flagship film series we got Jar Jar Binks, a Trade Federation, and Pod Racing. At least there’s no children or cartoon rabbits in this film. Are there?

(It's always a good idea to steal fire from the Gods)

The Dark Knight Rises (dir. Christopher Nolan) Jul 20

OK so I admit it, this is my #1 anticipated film of the year. I’m a Batman guy. I don’t have to apologize. The first trailer and the prologue have set up a film that looks like a big tonal shift from the first two films. While Batman Begins was ALL about Batman and his struggle to become the hero, The Dark Knight was about how Batman figures into Gotham City and helped expand the stories out from Batman. Now it looks like The Dark Knight Rises is about how Gotham City and its enemies will clash and who will be left standing. Bane certainly looks to have a sort of anarchist propaganda game going on with Catwoman as a lateral accomplice. The trailer and leaked photos have driven people nuts with questions. Where did all those Tumblers come from? What happened to Gordon? What is that giant flashlight that Batman is holding? What did Bane say? The tagline is “The  Legend Ends” so where does that leave Batman? All will be revealed July 20^th.

Trailer: http://www.thedarkknightrises.com/#

(Tom Hardy rules)

Argo (dir. Ben Affleck) Sep 14

Ben Affleck maintains his action-thriller stylings with a true story about the exfiltration of 6 American hostages that had managed to escape during the Iran hostage crisis of 1979. Haven’t seen a trailer yet but expect Affleck’s straight-forward style and some political backroom meetings. The film is based on Tony Mendez’s memoir relating to the event in which he set-up a fake Hollywood movie studio in an over-elaborate ruse to convince the Iranians that their hostages were part of a Canadian film crew. Ben Affleck is currently on track to become the new Clint Eastwood in two years.

(If Ben Affleck's beard can't sell this movie, I don't know what can)

Looper (dir. Rian Johnson) Sep 28

2012 is going to be a great year for sci-fi and this is one of the best examples. Rian Johnson has collaborated with Primer’s Shane Carruth to concoct a time travel thriller that will surely boggle the brain to a level beyond even Inception. Joseph Gordon Levitt plays a contract killer who sends his victims into the past to cover up the crime. The screw is turned when he recognizes his next target as his future self…played by Bruce Willis. Brick was probably one of the best films of 2005 because of Rian Johnson’s well-crafted high school noir script. JGL’s cold and damaged character helped us to believe in the story. I expect nothing less than something a little more sophisticated and crowd-pleasing. Also, seeing Bruce Willis and JGl take on each other’s mannerisms is going to be interesting.

(The only thing this production still tells me is that Bruce Willis likes to shoot things)

Cloud Atlas (dir. Tom Tykwer, Andy and Lana Wachowski) Oct

Cloud Atlas is next on my reading list as soon as I finish Bagombo Snuff Box. I’m told it’s great. It’s epic. It’s sci-fi. I need little else to sell me. The story sprawls time and space in a way that very few writers can accomplish without alienating readers. The film HAS to do the same. A collaborative effort between Run, Lola, Run’s Tom Tykwer and The Wachowskis…this film will most likely blend exhilarating action set pieces with methodical plot devices and a unique geography of characters. Stars Tom Hanks, Hugo Weaving, and Halle Berry.

News and concept art: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/52416

(WTF is going on in this picture?)

Gangster Squad (dir. Ruben Fleischer) Oct 19

1940s LA gangster film from the man that gave us Zombieland and apparently some Funny or Die content. OK. I’m more sold on the fact that we get Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling, Josh Brolin, and Nick Nolte playing mugs and G-men. I would expect this film to be on par with L.A. Confidential and Mulholland Falls.

(Sean Penn is about to learn that Josh Brolin don't go for that wiseguy schtick)

Gravity (dir. Alfonso Cuaron) Nov 21

The last time Cuaron did sci-fi we got Children of Men so forgive me for being very excited that we now get George Clooney and Sandra Bullock IN SPACE! Literally. Clooney and Bullock survive a space disaster and are left tethered only to each other in the infinite void of space. Expect Cuaron to make that far more interesting both visually and narratively than it sounds on paper. Don’t expect to see a love scene though that would be pretty compelling to see as well.

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The Hobbit (dir. Peter Jackson) Dec 14

There’s little that needs to be said about this.   If you don’t know much about this I feel sorry for you. This is the first of two parts. The first film does indeed tell the complete story from the novel. The second part will chronicle events between The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings though it is not clear to those who did not digest the appendices how much that will encompass. Ian McKellan returns as Gandalf and a few other familiar faces will show up but Martin Freeman will be playing Bilbo Baggins. Also, it is being shot in digital 3D at 48fps.

Trailer: http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/wb/thehobbit/

(I will follow you to the Misty Mountains)

Django Unchained (dir. Quentin Tarantino) Dec 25

Only QT would release a film about slavery on Christmas. But that’s ok. Jamie Foxx plays Django, a freed slave turned bounty hunter who sets out to free his wife from an evil plantation owner. Also stars DiCaprio, Sacha Baron Cohen, Christopher Waltz, Samuel Jackson, JGL, and the RZA as a blind swordsman. Expect a healthy amount of racism, racist characters, racial epithets, and pod racing-oh wait…that’s a different movie. This is Tarantino’s spaghetti western so expect it to be visceral and unforgiving.

(no images available)

 

Not Dated

Cosmopolis (dir David Cronenberg)

Cronenberg takes on DeLillo. Finally.

The Master (dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

“A 1950s-set drama centered on the relationship between a charismatic intellectual known as "the Master" whose faith-based organization begins to catch on in America, and a young drifter who becomes his right-hand man.” This is the film that has long been known as PTA’s take on Scientology. Stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix (yes, he is still acting). Expect it to be as meditative and somber as There Will Be Blood and probably a very frank sex scene at some point.

Honorable Mention

The Hunger Games (dir. Gary Ross)

It looks interesting. I’m gonna wear my Battle Royale t-shirt when I see this.

Les Miserables (dir. Tom Hooper)

Last year’s Academy Award winning director directs the Broadway version of the Victor Hugo’s epic novel. Stars Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean and Russell Crowe as Javert. I grew up listening to the Broadway cast recording and know 95% of the music.   I feel like I have to see this.   Do not expect to see Russell Crowe’s band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts.

Rock of Ages (dir. Adam Shankman)

This trailer looks weird and this kinda looks like a bad SNL sketch with Alec Baldwin in that ridiculous wig. But then Tom Cruise appears and he looks like Jesus. The film looks sexy and fun but is probably a stinker. I’m interested though.

Brave (dir. Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman)

Pixar’s newest tells a Celtic fable starring a young red-headed lass and something involving Stonehenge. Interesting. Expect it to be very green. Do not expect leprechauns singing about Irish Spring soap.

Skyfall (dir. Sam Mendes)

Daniel Craig returns as James Bond. It only has to be better than Quantum of Solace (meaning it has to make sense and have a real villain). How and why Quantum of Solace was so different from Casino Royale is a mystery that may never be answered but hopefully Skyfall will help to erase the stain of QoS. The title is rumored to refer to some sort of satellite which, unfortunately, doesn’t sound too original. Sam Mendes directs and Javier Bardem plays the villain. Hopefully he doesn’t have some weird eye issue like the last two did.

47 Ronin (dir. Carl Rinsch)

Animated film about Ronin. Could be good. Could suck. Keanu Reeves voices the main character. Could be good. Could suck.

Untitled Terrence Malick film

Very little is known about this film and it is rumored to be only one of three other Malick films that are currently in various stages of production. It’s supposed to be about a man who reconnects to a hometown sweetheart after his marriage falls apart but it’s probably about much more. Ben Affleck, Rachel McAdams, and Jessica Chastain star. Given Tree of Life’s lack of explosions and guns and ninjas I do not recommend seeing this if GI Joe 2 is already on your 2012 Must-See list.

Leave a comment and let me know what you're looking forward to?  Beauty and the Beast 3D? The Avengers? Abraham Lincoln? Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?

The Best and the Most Disappointing Games of 2011

2011 was a crazy year for gamers. We had big releases every month of the year and though I didn’t play everything…I’ve got a respectable haul for 2011. Surprise hits like Minecraft made the established industry question the definition of games. Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 3, and Gears of War 3 all vied to be the top shooter all while contending with newer entries that didn’t quite dazzle us in Homefront and Bulletstorm. PC gamers not only got Minecraft (and now The Old Republic) but also some breakaway hits in Rift and Rage. Fantasy games saw the epic Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim which brought the total badassery of dragons as well as another Dragon Age.  Social games made huge strides as The Sims Social quickly surpassed Zynga’s biggest titles in average daily users. Here are my thoughts on the games that I played.

Here are the Best Games of 2011 that I played:

Portal 2, Batman: Arkham City, Catherine, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D, 9 Hours, 9 Persons, and 9 Doors, Super Mario Land 3D

Here are the Most Disappointing Games of 2011

Modern Warfare 3, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, Fight Night Champion, Professor Layton and the Last Specter, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

Portal 2

It’s the highly anticipated sequel to Portal. It’s a stand-alone title that has you return as Chell to come face to face with more test chambers equipped with only a portal gun. Portal 2 takes place a long time after the original. In fact, to justify the setting of the game they updated the original Portal. If you are on PC, load up the game and download the update and watch the very end of the game closely. You’ll see what I mean. This time you are partially accompanied by Wheatley, a rogue AI bot that is voiced by Stephen Merchant. At first I thought that having Merchant chatter away at me for 5+ hours could be quite stressful but luckily he is only your companion for a short while. GLaDoS is definitely back and definitely the star of the show. The game has you traverse a far more dynamic range of settings within Aperture Science’s facilities. To change things up they introduce some new elements: light tunnels, light bridges, propulsion gel, repulsion gel, and a mysterious white gel.   If you liked Portal I don’t see how you cannot be excited about Portal 2. Aside from a full 6-8 hour core game Valve offers an abbreviated co-op mode where players take on the roles of two bots that must traverse a series of co-op test chambers. This is a very fun mode but unfortunately has very little replay value. If you’ve played through it it’s just dumb to try and play with someone who is new and there isn’t much else to do than get through the chambers. The music and voice acting is still exceptional and the very physics-based puzzle gameplay is back to mess with your vertigo. Portal 2 is available for PC, Xbox, and PS3. PS3 owners can cross-platform with PC players and even get a PC copy included for free.

(Are these the droids you’re looking for?)

Batman: Arkham City

It’s the highly anticipated sequel to Batman: Arkham Asylum. This time around the game is much more open. Mayor Sharp has transformed a large section of Gotham City into a giant prison. Inmates wander freely within the walls of Arkham City. And it’s all overseen by Dr. Hugo Strange…a man obsessed with Batman. This time around Batman is free to glide through the environment and take on fights and side missions as he wishes. Very rarely will the narrative force you to reach a primary objective. And that’s good because there is a LOT of stuff to do outside of the primary game. A larger number of villains make appearances and often in the form of side missions. Riddler has hidden trophies everywhere again only now many of them are hidden inside of physical puzzle structures that Batman must figure out. This is fun though some of the trophies require very good timing/reflexes/gliding ability. Zsazs is calling you every now and again from pay phones, Bane has you searching for Titan, Deadshot is killing fools. Oh, and the Joker has something up his sleeve. It’s a big game but luckily Bats has all his gadgets plus a few new ones. To cross Arkham City more quickly Batman gains the ability to glide long distances without ever touching down. The Riddler Challenges also appear with a few new twists. Now players are given a few handicaps to choose for some of the challenges. The stipulation being that after three rounds, you have to use all of the handicaps. Fulfilling specific takedown techniques is also required to earn more points. Catwoman also has a role to play as she is a playable character. She has 5 dedicated scenes/chapters where she fills in some of the story gaps for Batman and she is free to wander Arkham City eventually and fight prisoners….which luckily re-appear over time unlike in Arkham Asylum’s very finite amount of enemies. There is a lot to do in the game and gliding and fighting like Batman definitely makes one FEEL like Batman. Rocksteady didn’t mess with the great combat system that they set up-one that punishes button mashing and re-inforces a certain cadence to succeed. Definitely satisfying. Available on PC. Xbox, and PS3.

(Riddle me this, riddle me that...why are all these Juggalo's after the Bat?)

Catherine

Catherine is one of the most interesting and well designed games that I have ever played. It’s sort of a drama though most of the actual gameplay has you climbing mountains of blocks.

Catherine tells the story of Vincent who is in a committed relationship with Katherine…a professional-type woman who is all business. She tsks Vincent’s last remnants of youth and irresponsibility as he wiles away his nights at a bar with his friends. Then Vincent meets Catherine…the exact opposite of Katherine. She’s young, she’s sexual, and she’s dangerous and so of course Vincent wakes up to find her next to him in bed and here the core of Catherine begins. This is a game that wants to force the players to ask themselves what they want. Vincent must decide whether he wants ORDER or CHAOS. During the day we get mostly cut-scenes of Vincent at lunch and talking with the key characters. He also learns that young men are being found dead…like they died in their sleep from shock. In the evenings he hangs out at his favorite bar and this is where a heavy amount of gameplay gets done. Vincent can walk around and talk to everyone in the bar. Time passes as you do things so some patrons will leave and others will appear at scripted times. In the bar Vincent will also receive texts from both C/Katherines. Players respond with pre-written messages that vary in seriousness and silliness. Responding appropriately to Catherine will often yield a very racy pic that she will send you.   Players can also drink their favorite booze (doing so affects your speed in the Nightmare stages) or spend their time at the “Rapunzel” arcade machine. A seemingly innocuous game within the game that serves to parallel the puzzle/block-climbing challenge of the Nightmare Stages. To be sure, this is much deeper than you expect.

Every night Vincent confronts the nightmare stages…a series of levels that he confronts each night as he gradually ascends The Tower. This is the bulk of the gameplay and it is like playing a really f-ed up version of Q-Bert. Vincent must ascend a mountain of blocks…easy enough when they are in a staircase pattern but more daunting when confronted by a flat wall of blocks. Vincent must push and pull blocks to form a path to the top while confronting various obstacles such as enemies, blocks that don’t move, and even bombs and spikes. Also if you don’t move fast enough you will die. The last Nightmare Stage of every night has a manifestation of your nightmares pursuing you and making your task more difficult. Sometimes it’s a mutant baby with a chainsaw and sometimes it’s a giant anus with arms.

This is not a sex simulation game as the Japanese box art would have you believe. It’s actually a fairly serious game that poses questions directly to Vincent/the player such as, “Is cohabitation with someone okay, without ever having plans to marry them?”, “Are you a pervert?”, “Could you show everything in your inbox to your lover?”

(What kind of game are you playing?)

Throughout the game your decisions will affect a CHAOS – ORDER meter which will ultimately determine which ending you will get. There are 8 different endings depending on where the meter lies and how you answer the last round of questions. I am currently working towards the last three endings. Also getting a gold rating in the Nightmare Stages allows you to skip them for your next play-through and most, if not all, cut-scenes are skippable so getting all of the endings is not as daunting as it sounds. The game also offers a co-op competitive mode where two players compete to climb a single tower and a Challenge mode that has a single player climbing a randomly generated tower.

Catherine was probably the most unique gaming experience I’ve had in a long time. Xbox and PS3.

 

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D

I don’t own a 3DS. I’m borrowing one so that I can play this title. It’s the 3DS remake/upgrade of one of the best games of all time. Nintendo decided to update OoT with better graphics, access to the Master Quest, and modified controls for the 3DS. Win, win, win.

The graphics are one of the biggest differences. The polygon count is huge and updates the game to look more like modern games. Smooth and rounded features abound in our characters so they look more realistic and less like papercraft. Many of the interior environments (stores and houses) have also been updated with more decorations and design. The new controls feel great with the Circle Pad though I am still having trouble getting the camera just right. The 3D is probably the smallest big feature of the new game. I play with it on but I still don’t feel like it is offering anything significant.

Updating Ocarina of Time is a great way to celebrate Link’s 25^th birthday and bring the old and new generation together.  In fact, Nintendo just released a 3DS bundle that includes a 25th anniversary branded 3DS and OoT.

(remember when I said that I don’t own a 3DS? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Super Mario Land 3D

Mario is back and ready to make his debut on the 3DS. SML3D plays like most of Mario’s recent outings with the biggest change being that the game and the world is in full 3D. Bowser has kidnapped the Princess and it’s up to Mario to save her. Mario will traverse 8 worlds composed of 5-6 levels each including a midpoint tower and a boss stage in either a castle or an airship. The levels can be short but still provide an ample playground for Mario to run, jump, stomp, kick, and float around in. The raccoon tail from SMB3 is back but it only allows Mario to gently float as he descends. Many of the old villains are also back. Goombas, Koopas, Bullets, Piranhas, Thwomps, and Chomps.   Mario Land borrows many design elements and aesthetics from Super Mario Bros. 3 but being able to run around a la Super Mario 64/Galaxy adds much more complexity to the levels. Coins, 1-Ups, stars, and secrets hide behind every corner. And despite SOME levels feeling a bit short there really is ample gameplay in this title. Two of my biggest complaints are that Mario seems to move (overall) much slower than in his previous titles. I attribute this to the fact that the game probably could not maintain a consistent 60/30 3D frame rate if Mario were moving any faster to the richly detailed world. The second complaint is that if Mario dies 5 times in any level a special golden Leaf appears that turns Mario into Raccoon Mario and permanently invincible for the rest of the level. You don’t have to pick it up BUT it doesn’t matter. Once it appears your profile stars will never sparkle. Sad. Great game for people who love both old school Mario games and newer games such as Mario Galaxy and New Super Mario Bros.

(You don't need 3D glasses to see that this looks like a lot of fun no matter what dimension you live in)

9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors

The best game of the year is probably a toss up between this one and Catherine.

999 (as it is easier to call it) is a graphic adventure game that fits easily into the special sub-genre of games that have come out of Japan. If you don’t like to read, this is not the game for you. 999 has you reading a lot. Think of it as kind of a “Choose your own adventure” video game.

The game is setup with 9 strangers awaking on (what they think is) a boat. None of them know how they got there but the game is soon afoot as a voice through an intercom informs them that they are playing “The Nonary Game” and only one person can win/live. They have 9 hours to find the door with the “9” on it and escape. But there are a few catches. Each person has been assigned a number via an electronic bracelet. And to pass through a numbered door, the sum of the sum of their numbers has to match the door number. So to pass through the #4 door, they need a sum that equals 13 or 22. So numbers 9 and 4 or 3,4,6, or 9,8,5…and so on. This determines who can pass through the various numbered doors scattered throughout this maze of death for to pass through incorrectly spells certain death.

You play the game as one of the involuntary participants. The group soon splits up because of the doors. In each new area/set of rooms you are generally required to solve a number of real puzzles to figure out how to advance/escape. This is not Professor Layton where someone is thinking up puzzles or presenting them to you. The puzzles are grounded in the reality that exists. To find the key to the next door you need to compare shower tiles across two different rooms or solve a combination lock to open a cabinet. If you’ve played Trace Memory you know what I mean. In between solving puzzles you will talk to the people around you and get to know their backstories and deal with their dramas. As I said, it’s a lot of reading but virtually all story and character progress occurs via these long passages of dialogue or explanation. You will soon find out that there are no coincidences in the Nonary Game and that this is not the first time the game has been played. The game also provides the player with several false endings before they are able to find the TRUE ending. Luckily, players can skip through the long dialogue passages and most of the puzzles are simple enough to solve again. In fact I believe the true ending tacks on two hours of wrap up after the last puzzle is solved.

(The laws of story-telling tell me that at least one of these 9 people is not who they say they are and probably an asshole as well)

This is a game that I played obsessively until I figured everything out and found every puzzle. Since the path branches at various parts, it is necessary for the player to play the game again and choose the alternate path to find out what they missed and also uncover more information about the other characters.

And the story is definitely deep and complicated and the game offers no help as to which decisions are correct. The point is that sometimes there is no correct decision and sometimes decisions are not about black and white. It’s a great game for someone looking for a really deep story/mystery. A sequel is coming for the 3DS though it is probably a few years away.

 

That’s it for the best…now here are the BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENTS.

Note that I do not say “worst games.” I seriously hope that I did not even PLAY the worst games. These are the games that I had a lot of hope for but that ultimately let me down for not living up to the standards of their own predecessors or what makes a game great/fun/legendary. And so…

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

CoD is one of the few fps games that I indulge in. I’ve never claimed that it is the best but I found MW1 and MW2 to be superb in their story-telling and action. Black Ops was a lot of fun but I found the story quite chaotic and messy. MW3 was released in November to much hype and fanfare. It’s the final chapter to the story that began in the original Modern Warfare. If you have played the first two you know that means bringing Makarov to justice. MW3 begins where MW2 ended. With our Special Forces team members as fugitives accused of treason and America on the brink of war with Russia. Just as in the previous entries, players take on the roles of key US military characters from level to level. So sometimes you’re Yuri, a Russian ex-pat looking for revenge against Makarov, sometimes you’re Frost, the leader of Delta Squad and a strong resistance force in America.

My complaints with the game are not that it isn’t realistic. That’s just stupid. I don’t care that the story is fairly complex and over the top for a game that, at its core, is shoot everything in sight. My beef is that the game wants to immerse us in this Michael Bay-scale war but consistently fails to do so. In an early level we are traversing the war-ravaged streets of lower Manhattan…Wall Street. The place is crawling with Russian forces and we need to get to the top of the NYSE to take out their radio tower. And even though this looks like a big open space to be able to try out various assault strategies, we are simply pushed down a very rigid line where pre-scripted enemies pour out of every seam until we move forward a few feet. It’s like VR whack-a-mole. And every 15 seconds someone is reminding you of your objective or telling you to move forward. The game wants you to run through and not realize that it’s stupid that the only reason you can’t beeline towards your objective point is because a few desks are in the hallway. But this is in direct contrast to the games ridiculous side quest of collecting “Intel.” Intel takes the form of a very specific color laptop. Each level has 1-3 scattered about and finding them all gives you an achievement. Remember, this is not an open world game. This is as close to being an on-rails shooter as you can get without crossing that line. And remember that I’ve got officers squawking orders at me every 15 seconds. So for me, as the player, to stop everything and decide to hunt every crevice and every space available within the decimated cubicle farms or hollowed out nuclear sites to find a very specific laptop, is counter to the game’s intended design. Not only that but the game is now littered with OTHER laptops all over.   And though they look like they are the right color, they are not, and thus not INTEL and thus, cannot be collected. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t ANY laptop discovered behind enemy lines qualified as INTEL? Why is one laptop hidden away in a remote office in the corner of the shipyard INTEL? This wouldn’t be a problem if this was an open world game that allowed players to choose a route/point of attack in a given area. This also wouldn’t be a problem if finding Intel actually helped you by providing you with better weapon loadouts or even taking different routes in later levels.

Another big complaint is that of the few new “toys” introduced in this title, only one of them is used in the single player campaign. All of the others are reserved for multiplayer. The remote sentry, the trophy system, the bouncing Betty, the recon drone. None of these are in the main game.

In last year’s Black Ops players were able to use the Explosive Bolt Crossbow, the RC-XD, the Ballistic Knife, in the main game.

Unfortunately, the multiplayer is the biggest reason why this is the fastest grossing product in the history of products.

The multiplayer is fine. It’s not great. It’s definitely not as good as MW2. I have my complaints but I also accept it for what it is. Spec Ops is a lot of fun but unfortunately I really have no one to play it with. Available on pretty much every platform.

(Coincidentally, this is the same image that the Right uses to describe Obamacare)

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations

I don’t understand how you mess this one up. Revelations is the last of the Ezio trilogy that began with Assassin’s Creed II. Ezio is now Sean Connery in The Rock…old. The idea for this game is that Desmond is now stuck in Animus limbo and must recover Ezio’s lost memories. The bulk of the game has Ezio in Constantinople, looking for his own answers to the past. It’s a very intriguing idea but unfortunately Ubisoft fails on the gameplay. Instead of allowing a small bit of changes from the last game, they have decided to throw a bunch of unwanted new features that only serve to make the game less seamless. Now there is a tower defense mini-game in the game. Now the game opens with a series of questionable scenes that are not any fun. Ezio is dragged behind a carriage and must shift left or right to avoid obstacles. Ezio is probably dragged for several miles and it’s frankly ridiculous. I would have preferred a non-participatory cut-scene that abbreviates this. The hookblade is interesting and should serve to make assassinations a little more creative. I haven’t played far enough to experiment with bombs but they SOUND interesting. No, I RAGEQUIT in frustration after the tower defense game. There are thousands of tower defense games out there. If I wanted to play one I would.   I wouldn’t pop in a game called “ASSASSIN’s CREED.” The tower defense game is silly and offers nothing to improve on the idea that I am an elite assassin of an ancient order.

I haven’t tried the multiplayer but I am interested in it. I enjoyed the previous titles mp mode and was eager to learn that the new title improves it.

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations committed a huge faux pas. They tried to fix something that wasn’t broken. Available on PS3 and Xbox.

(Fun fact:  Hidden wristblade to the throat is the quickest way to get through airport security)

Fight Night Champion

It’s boxing. It’s not that hard to mess up and yet EA Sports manages to mess it up. It’s a typical sports game….fight your way to the top with excellent graphics and really good physics/fight mechanics. Unfortunately EA decided to mess with the control system. Not only did they modify analog configurations so that veteran players have to re-learn specific punches but now all moves are telegraphed and queued so that my boxer will continue to punch long after I stop moving the analog. It’s frustrating and doesn’t make sense and disconnects me from the game. Good job.

(I like to pretend that the guy on the right is Peter Moore.)

Professor Layton and the Last Specter

For some reason, only every other Layton game is great. This is not one of them. I found the story ridiculous, the mini-games insipid, and Luke even more annoying than usual. The only thing that worked for this entry was the puzzles, which makes sense since they have a new puzzle master for this one. The puzzles are not re-hashes of old ones and felt like real puzzles mostly. There will ALWAYS be that handful of puzzles that are ridiculously easy or hard or complicated. But the puzzles overall were very satisfying and the new puzzle presentation is a huge improvement. But the story is downright insulting. It doesn’t make sense and feels like they made it up as they went along. The characters in this one lacked the charm of previous entries and just felt like a lot of odd ends forced to live in the shitty town of Misthallery. Seriously what is up with Goosey? Luke’s father is a pill and Emmy seems to be prepped for her own action puzzle DS game for girls. The mini-games were just atrocious. Puppet theater was not a mini-game but a literacy exercise for 3^rd graders. The train set is frustrating and non-engaging (WHAT DOES THIS GAME HAVE TO DO WITH TRAINS!?) and the Fish game is far too simplistic for a mini-game. I know it’s hard to have a puzzle game AND a good story but isn’t that why Professor Layton was so successful to begin with?

(Luke, you can't hide from Emmy just like you can't hide your daddy issues or this nonsensical story)

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

If you’re reading this (this far) then you know that I’m a huge Legend of Zelda fanboy so maybe it surprises you to know that I don’t absolutely adore the newest entry, Skyward Sword.

Unfortunately I think the game just suffers from too many smaller issues that make the entire game not as enjoyable as it should be.

Zelda games have always been about adventure and action. But it feels like Nintendo is more concerned with just teaching you about this new world/beginning of the legend rather than letting you feel adventurous and have fun.

For starters, the game spends the first 2-3 hours setting up the setup. Link awakens in his home of Skyloft…a city above the clouds that is so ancient that nobody believes that there is anything below the clouds….even though everybody flies around on giant birds. Nope. Nothing below those clouds. So you’ve already lost credibility. Then we spend most of the 2-3 hours learning about how special our bird is because it’s rare and red and we formed a unique bond and we have to race in the annual ceremony so that we can fuck be with Zelda. And even in these first hours I had a sense of dread that has been confirmed by playing past this.

NONE OF THIS MATTERS! Link’s bird is NOT special. He does not have or form any special bond with it. This is not Epona. Link’s bird is simply a very necessary form of transportation. To leave an island Link simply dives off and calls for his bird who swoops in and picks him up. At that point we simply direct the bird towards our destination and go there. We don’t feed the bird. It doesn’t live with us. It’s not special. It’s just a bird. It’s not Epona. It’s not even Agro. Lame.

(Hey Zelda, wouldn't this date be more interesting if you were riding MY bird?)

So of course Zelda disappears soon after all of this and we learn that we must venture to the surface and find Zelda. Aside from Skyloft, the “world” is three distinct areas. Forest, Mountain, and Desert. Each area is distinct in geography and design as should be expected.

The game proceeds in fairly standard progress despite what Nintendo has claimed for the last two years. We still go overworld-dungeon. Just because a few side quests are mixed in, I don’t see how they’ve changed the gameplay model. We still explore an overworld for what always turns out to be a dungeon/temple (though it is rarely called that). We still discover key items and defeat bosses and learn stuff.

So what are my complaints?

As has been pointed out by many other reviewers…Nintendo is intent on giving me information ALL of the time to the point that I can’t enjoy just BEING in the game.

I’m constantly being told where to go and how. If I’m low on health I get that familiar alarm that keeps going until I heal up AND I get a warning from Fi that my health is low. Redundant and annoying. FI, btw, is my bot entity guide thing that lives within my sword and serves as my Navi. Fi speaks like an autotuned Animal Crossing character and rarely provides anything useful that wasn’t already just told to me. Fi can identify enemies for you and tell you how many of that type you have defeated but rarely dispenses the useful information of HOW DO YOU KILL IT. Every insect and every item that I pick up I have to be reminded as to what it is and how many I have. WTF!

This brings me to the inventory. The inventory in this game makes no sense. They wanted to make it more rpg-like but they took very stupid baby steps to get there.

Now I can upgrade weapons and make them better/stronger/whatever. My shield now has a meter and if I use my shield too much it will break. So I need to constantly get it repaired or replaced. Not only that but my inventory is broken up into arbitrary categories. My “Weapons” inventory includes a bug-catching net and a jug that blows air (not weapons) while my “Item” inventory includes bottles, medals, ammunition pouches, and my shield. This would be less not as bad had they not decided to limit my “Item” inventory to 8 slots. Why? I know it’s always been a joke that Link can carry EVERYTHING but to arbitrarily limit my “items” makes no sense. So now I have to choose whether I want to die sooner or later. I can carry a bottle of health potion or a heart medal that causes more hearts to appear from grass and destructible objects. Fun. And I just can’t believe that my SHIELD and ammo are not categorized as weapons. Oh but I can carry 99 bees and 99 flowers and 99 claws and 99 feathers…but not an extra bottle (to theoretically put them in).

(This would be much easier if I didn't have a thousand insects in my pocket)

It’s a half-assed way to make the game FEEL like an rpg but it doesn’t make sense and just pisses players off.

Another major issue is that Link now has a “Run” button. Now, the controls in this game are already frustrating. Not only does 1:1 Wii Motion Plus NOT exist, but it makes the game less fun. In theory, Link’s sword should move to match how I move the Wiimote with Wii Motion Plus to a 1:1 scale/perfectly. It does not. And I can prove it doesn’t because every enemy defends in a perfectly horizontal or vertical manner. If I had true 1:1 I could attack from more nuanced angles. So that fails and now I have to push a button to run. Used to be in the old days that simply pressing harder on the analog stick would make a character run. It was a huge bonus in Ocarina of Tine and Super Mario 64. Character movement control should be mapped to ONE button…the analog. To make Link run I have to push the “A” button. The “A” button being the most prominent button on the entire Wiimote/nunchuk assembly. The button that is normally mapped to primary functions such as jump or hit or shoot. Now we have to press a button and that’s not even good enough because now I have a stamina meter attached to running so I can only run in insultingly short bursts. Why? This does nothing except draw out the length of time it takes for me to get from point A to point B. It serves nothing towards the game, gameplay, character, or anything important other than to frustrate the player. The environments are not small either so if you are trying to cross a long distance be prepared to only be able to run half of the way. Had Nintendo removed the “Run” button and also allowed tradition controls, the game would probably not be on this half of this list. I find the controls so disengaging and bothersome that I can’t enjoy the adventure.

I like the art style. It’s interesting and unique. It’s a modest compromise for Nintendo that is apparently resistant to making a realistic rendering of Hyrule. I wish Nintendo would simply pick a style and stick with it. Instead they back pedal and claim that “realistic” doesn’t work for this particular entry. Which really means nothing when you think about it. One of the most mature entries, “Wind Waker” looked like a cartoon and it looked great. The simpler character designs meant that they could more easily express emotions. In Twilight Princess everyone looks numb and dull. In Skyward Sword the characters look like they were pulled from Wind Waker and they don’t quite fit in completely.

The actual dungeons are very well designed. They are not geographically large but they are fairly dense affairs with enough new gimmicks to make me stop and strategize before plowing through.

Skyloft itself is incredibly dull and boring despite the fact that it’s supposed to be the world hub. The central Bazaar houses 5 unique vendors but there aren’t any patrons or characters walking around looking busy. Returning to Skyloft between areas is a boring exercise of finding the one or two people who have a side quest for you to complete to make them happy. But even Skyloft is far too spread out to make this seem like fun. It’s 5 islands chained together via bridges. Even the local bar is a three minute flight away. Why?

(Green tunics are so 1998.  The kids are all rocking skeletons these days)

I’m about halfway through the game and unfortunately it’s starting to feel too much like a chore. I’m curious as to whether I will feel the same way once I finish the game.

That’s it.

Thanks for reading.

Ok, so I spent the last 6 hours writing up a very detailed BEST & WORST of 2001 video games post only to have Firefox crap out as I was doing a final edit pass and I hadn't saved a draft.

Just wanted to let you know how frustrated I am right now.

Look for the post tomorrow.

In the meantime here's a cool list that I found:

http://www.nextmovie.com/blog/ben-and-jerrys-movie-flavors-2011/

1931 gave us the true Charlie Chan film, The Black Camel.  The film is set in Chan's base of operations, Honolulu where he is an inspector for the Honolulu police.  He is aided by a far less distingushed or intelligent partner who is a bumbler and slightly fob-ish.  In The Black Camel a Hollywood film production comes to a halt when the starlet is found dead.  The murder of one of her co-stars years earlier and her obsession with a psychic played by young Boris Karloff leaves Chan to deduce the motive and culprit in this Hollywood Whodunit.  Interestingly, the film does play out a lot like the film, Clue, with Chan rounding up all of the associates and suspects into the parlor or dining room and very slowly making calculated observations to narrow his sights on one.  Amongst the suspects is a rather diverse group.  Pretty much all of them have something to hide but all for different reasons.  Story-telling wise it is quite nice to see true conflict with how each character is motivated to cover up some portion of the truth.

The character of Chan is direct.  He uses obscure Chinese references to justify his logic.  Lines as corny and forgettable as, "Way to find rabbit's residence is to turn rabbit loose and watch."  In fact, the very title comes from Chan's recitation of some other obscure supposedly-Chinese phrase,"Death is a black camel that kneels unbidden at every gate."  Why that is chosen as the title is a mystery all on its own.  It tells the viewer NOTHING about the film and makes it sound more like a thriller or horror movie about someone with severe elephantiasis going on a kill-crazy rampage.

But these slogans and phrases are a key distinguisher of Chan's character.  It is lazy for sure but I can think of no other detective that uses cultural idioms to justify what should already be justified as logic/detective work.  Chan's over-usage of these phrases reminds me of people who quote Bible verses to justify every action.  And both suffer from the same flaw...you can use any quote to justify any behavior even when the source is contradictory.  The Bible says "turn the other cheek" and then it says, "an eye for an eye."  Well...which is it?  My point is that the character of Chan is allowed to be as apparently brash or reticent as needed for the script with no regard for consistency.  He's apparently very smart and cunning and yet, while holding a letter that is about to reveal a big clue someone shuts off the lights in the room and there is a struggle.  When the lights are turned on Chan is relieved of the letter.  That doesn't sound very smart to me.

Chan's assistant is perhaps slightly more offensive than Chan though he is played by an Asian man.  He has little dialogue and Chan clearly despises him.  In fact the hostility and animosity between them is on par with the fictional cultural rift that exists between say, President Obama and Amos and Andy.  Each holds the other in contempt for their apparent accomplishments and failures and for not being a reflection.  Chan sends his assistant on wild goose chases just to get him away and refrain from messing up his game.  His clueless assistant makes dramatic Kramer-style entrances and shouts "CLUE!" and then waits for Chan to ask for elaboration.  In the filmmaker's minds, it's clear that he is meant to be the exact opposite of Chan.  It's also clear that his behavior and actions are being played for laughs.  So yes, the Amos & Andy allusion is apt.

We're only 4 films deep into the series and I already feel like I've seen everything.  My only point of curiosity is whether or not the characters do change over the decades of films that were produced.

Next in the series is Charlie Chan in London.  The first of the series to carry the more telling title structure of Charlie Chan being in a world city.

Thanks for reading.